I'm tired.
But that succinct little sentence doesn't give a true indication of the kind of bone-crushing, ever-present, all-consuming, unquenchable weariness I feel each and every day. How do people go through this ordeal more than once? Seriously!
It's like I have developed some sort of late onset ADD: I can only concentrate for a little while at a time on anything, be it cleaning or grading or driving or thinking or reading or what have you. Soon enough, sooner than enough, I fall asleep or at least have to stop whatever I am doing and sit down and rest...a long time. It's ridiculous. For example, I have 12 papers left to grade today. (Don't even ask how long I have had this stack of papers; it's embarrassing.) And I just graded 6 in a little over an hour. Hooray, right? Nope, because now I am done. I don't want to see another essay and can't even contemplate getting the rest finished in time for class, even though the students must have them today, for all kinds of calendaring reasons that have made sense every other semester. I even tried bravely to begin number 7, only to drift off after the first page.
And the really sad part is, I know that there is no good sleep in my immediate and not so immediate future. And every time I consider this reality, I freak out just a little bit: inside my eyes go wide and my internal self starts to hyperventilate and panic and everything starts to spiral out of control. Fortunately, I can't focus on incipient melt-downs for too long either, so all is well in a few minutes when I forget what I was thinking about. Double-edged sword, much??
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