On your knees boy

Childbirth education classes are supposed to be comforting. At least, that's what the instructor kept telling us, using phrases like "fear of the unknown causes tension" and "knowledge is empowering" and "knowledge breaks the cycle of pain." All of which I understand, at least on an intellectual level, but the message I heard most strongly after our first class last night was a very personal one, as in "Lilita, dealing with childbirth requires you to use skills you have not been successful using in the past, such as 'turning inward' and intense concentration without distraction." My normal way of controlling a situation usually happens along these lines: assess, address, resolve quickly, move on. But now, it seems, this plan will not work. Hmmm. I am not comforted.

We did learn more about how the husband can be helpful at the hospital, which seemed to make him feel much better about the whole process. But even he was somewhat skeptical, pointing out that I do not respond well to people giving me even moderately forceful commands when I am completely in my right mind, let alone when I am stressed and in pain. And if my behavior (at least what I remember of it) during my miscarriage last year is any indication, he is right to be concerned. I was out of my head in pain, and all I wanted him to do was walk to the pharmacy and bring the appropriate drugs back himself as quickly as possible, and I couldn't make my mind understand why this plan was not a good one.

Actually, I am not really worried about the husband. He will be a good coach and is one of the few people who can stop me from panicking when it comes to that. And I am not against a drugs-as-needed policy, if I get too crazy. So we shall see. But I move forward with much trepidation, as I suppose is only natural but also quite disconcerting. La la la....