Thursday, May 28, 2009

The things I should have said

Dear City Sanitation Department,

Thank you for making trash day, already exciting because of the big blue garbage trucks, even more special by following the garbage trucks with an orange front loader picking up oversized garbage and depositing it into yet a third big truck. My child's cup runneth o'er. Now, if you could just explain to me why a child being raised by me seems to have developed, all on his own, a fixation with large-wheeled construction vehicles, I'd appreciate it.


Happy but Confused

Dear Manufacturers of Flotation Suits for Toddlers,

How is it that your market research did not tell you that putting an easy access zipper in the front of your life jacket was a bad idea? It took Baby J all of 10 seconds to figure out how to unzip his, thereby making the entire device completely useless, not to mention dangerous.


Water Baby's Mama

Dear Kitchen Cabinet Designers,

Why don't you just go ahead and put handles on the inside of lower cabinets so little boys who like to climb in them and shut the doors after themselves won't have to squish their fingers?


Future Secret Annex Mother

Dear Child Protective Services,

Please disregard the state of my child. He got attacked by mosquitoes and is allergic to them, just like me. Hence the welts on his legs. And he falls down a lot, honest. Hence the bruises below the knees. And he falls on concrete sometimes, as well as on our brick steps. Hence the scrapes on his shins and elbows. And he doesn't look down, ever. And he's really into running right now but not so into stopping. And he may have inherited my inability to navigate my way through space successfully, the only thing he has inherited from me so far besides my hands. And that gash on his face? Umm, would you believe he fell into the door frame and found a jagged, unsanded edge and ripped open his cheek? Because that's actually what happened. I swear!



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